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I’m not me. I haven’t been in a really long time, if I ever really was completely “Me”. I know who I am. I learned that long ago. Nothing in this life has been easy. Most of it has barely been good. I’ve mostly just lived to get through the moment.
There were times when things were “better”. Moments when I felt so close. Like fingertips on the hem of a garment. I almost grasped it. I felt it. It was mine for a nanosecond.
There have been days where I felt the best version of myself. Not many, but they have been there. I have had days where I was content with myself. Even if I wasn’t the best version, I liked who I was. Then there are these days that I don’t feel like “Me”.
These days I am just existing. I am stagnant and miserable. No one sees, or if they do they don’t care. Through so many parts of my life there was no one to care. When there was someone who was supposed to see the real “Me”, they didn’t.
So where am I? Where is the real “Me”? Dare I push to find her if no one cares if she exists? Or do I continue to smile and go through the motions for the little people in my life?
One day I found myself really struggling emotionally and wrote this in a hurry. I was just purging thoughts. It has been quite a while since I wrote this, and I have been holding onto it. I was scared to let people know my inner thoughts. I decided to share it because it really still resounds with me to some degree. I think that as we go though life we take on different roles, and sometimes we forget to take time for ourselves. I have had moments where “peace officer”, “care taker”, “wife”, “mother”, “friend”, “sister”, “daughter” etc. had taken over and I didn’t have a moment to breath for myself.
I can say that the thoughts and feelings I wrote about that day only lasted for about an hour. Then I refocused myself and went on to have a great day. I think everyone has moments where they have a bad day or are facing a life obstacle, and for a moment all they can see is the negative. That’s how I felt at that time. I sat there and had to remind myself how strong I am, and how many things I have to be grateful for. The “Me” I felt was lost that day was in there. I just had to let her out. I needed to remind myself that I am important too.